| Here the cry opens up and reveals the word inside, the crack in the porcelain |
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| I'm not gonna beat him up! I just wanna slap him around a little bit |
[02 Oct 2005|10:54am] |
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 peaceful |
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Jane Says - Jane's Addiction |
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I now officially love bonfires, even when the people aren't that fun. last night Sarah had a bonfire at Carmel Beach in celebration of her birthday the previous day. big 18, woot woot!! and though there was talk of Karac "slapping around" Devlen, and how it's ok for men to tickle other men and still stand by their heterosexual needs, I still had a good time. it was barely cold at all, thw waves were crashing behind us in the distance, and I got to lay on a blanket with Matt next to the fire. after not seeing him for a week for like the 531852 time now, I've begun to truly value my time with him. not that I don't already, I think I just appreciate it more when I get to see him now. I still find it funny that we see each other only about once or twice a week, yet we live only three miles away from each other :-\ strange how that works.
"Jane says, have you seen my wig around? I feel naked without it"
so I went to San Luis Obispo yesterday to go ride Dude and Emma came with me. we got there and had to wait around for Randi to get there, sat on our butts, and observed Happy, which Emma found to be the huuuuugest horse ever. then Randi got there so I went to go get Dude in the turn outs. I started to put on his halter and he was twitching his head, so I just thought he had a fly in his face. walked him up to the barn, and put him in the cross ties. sat there for a second, his head was still twitching, but more violently than before. so in stead of riding, I got to take my horse to the vet :( it wasn't fun. they didn't seem quite positive what was wrong, just that maybe he had pulled something when he was out in the turn outs or something. but still, to drive 2 hours there only to find out you can't ride your horse, you gotta take it to the vet, it quite disappointing, and I was scared.
"Jane says, I've never been in love, I don't know what it is"
so that concludes my lovely day, as of yesterday. now I go do hw and study a bundle. ohhh what fun it shall be :-P
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| my sincere apologies to Emma and Ms. Basile! |
[18 Sep 2005|11:13am] |
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Hollyweird - Poison |
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so last night was a doozy. went to the meet with Matt, we took Winston (his dog), hung out there for a while, and then went back to his house. sitting there in boredom, I got the idea to go fill up my car at Stone Creek cause it's cheaper than at Toro, and I was on "E" big time from driving all the way to San Luis Obispo and back earlier that day.... or so my gas gauge said. so we're driving, la la la. we get to the gas station and I go to reach for my purse.... short pause.... I studder for a moment, and Matt says, "you don't have your purse."
"Just call me pimp daddy, I'll roll ya one big fatty"
I've never felt like such an idiot in my life! cause not only did I have no money, neither did he, nor did we have our cell phones on us! I'd left all my things in his car from going to the meet earlier, thinking I would just get them when I left :-p you don't know what it feels like to be completely deserted until you've spent an hour at 7-11 at 11 pm with no where to go. luckly, there was a pay phone!! oh joy, and of course neither of us have even a dime on us, so we got to call people collect..... yay. first I called Emma's house, but nobody was picking up and I figured it was way to late and her parents would have a shit attack getting a collect call from me at 11 at night. so I hung up, and Matt called his mom. within half n hour, she was there and she brought me my purse. never have I known such a wonderful woman! had I called my mother, I'd be grounded right now. thank god Ms. Basile didn't mind, cause she figured she'd just get gas while she was there too, haha.
"Once you enter you can never get out of here, welcome to Hollyweird"
so all in all, I'm an idiot and Ms. Basile is my new hero. surely I will try to nevre make that mistake again, and hopefully I'll never have to call anyone collect again and freak them out like I did Emma :-\ sorry darling! though I must say, playing the alphabet game was quite fun, haha.
"I'm the king of the streets, I own the cops, the junkies and freaks, it's a human wasteland I call home"
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| Have you ever felt what it means to be truly alone? |
[15 Sep 2005|10:56pm] |
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 kinda happy, kinda sad |
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Decrescendo - RX Bandits |
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today was a long one, oh boy. school was school :-p nothing special. went to KFC with Kristen, Sabrina, and Emily, that was fun indeed. I think I had a total of like 6 test, and or quizzes this week alone! I'm so freakin tired and having tests every fucking day! they should just go away, and never return.
"This is all that I'm asking, cause its the love we're forgetting now"
oh, so I finally got a job, yaaaaaay.... kinda. I'm working for Chris at his car lot doing like filling, answering phones, e-mailing, basically the shit job of the whole place. but none the less, a job. something I need desperately. the only part that sucks is he has me working from right after school at 3, until 6-ish, every day after school!! I'm gonna have no life! not to mention I'm like never going to see Matt :( so yah, I'm bummed.
"To walk through your door, we're content with illusions, and our downhill eyes"
I also wrote this really cool poem in English today about my hampster that died like a fifillion years ago, haha. it pretty much sucks, but I still love it. so, because I'm such a nice person, I'm going to recite it for you all....
"I'll Never Forget You"
I sit here alone
You've left me here to stay
I knew it was true
You always loved me
I believed everything you said.
Now my heart is pounding
With every pule, I feel the pain
Like a thorn piercing in my side
I knew it would never be the same.
I wept for you all day
And all night
Hoping for your ressurect
From the grave I left you
To bring joy back into my life
Consume my piece of mind.
I still hold resentment,
Anger,
For your killer
I will have revenge.
Oh my dear Pumpkin
You were the best hampster ever!
I morn in your memory
I swear I'll never forget you
That damn alley cat.
so now you all have a good idea about my poetic skills ;) yah, I'm pretty good. now I go to bed, so I can get up tomorrow and do the saaaame thing as I did today, well except work. oh joy....
"So find the fakest elation I hope it takes you away, now I've got it all worked out now, just a memory, picture framed illusion"
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| so the bird cries and the dog wiggles, and here is my day |
[10 Sep 2005|11:36am] |
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disappointed in myself |
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Idiot Pilot |
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I've decided I officially suck as......
a friend
a daughter
and a girlfriend
I'm not quite suure whyyyy I suck, I just know I do.
my apologies to all of you I've given a lot of crap to lately. I never meant to offend you in any way.
September 10, 2005-
start attempting to not suck so much :-p
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| why don't you just crash and burn? |
[06 Sep 2005|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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Adore - Smashing Pumpkins |
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grrrrrrrr!!!
damn you livejournal!! for not letting me edit you!!
that or it's just my computer...... :-\
baaah humbug!!!
p.s. I failed to mention that Chris paid me today :) fiiinally
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| everything has a down fall, some are just more unfortunate than others |
[03 Sep 2005|12:28am] |
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melancholy |
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You & Me - Lifehouse |
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things haven't been that easy lately, and ever day I feel them getting worse and worse. I make the little things out to be much larger than they really are, and get so worked up about them I panic. nothing seems to give me comfort, not even confiding in close friends and loved ones. there's something inside of me and it wants out, I just have no clue what it is. months of pain and questioning, and nothing has come of it. I think I've heard the excuse "you're just stressed" enough times to know that's definitely not the case. it's become routine for me to be in a doctor's office at least once a week now, and personally, I find that just a little frightening. I'm scared that it could either be something minor and nothing to worry about, or something major and unrecognizable. four doctors later, and I'm still being questioned.... this isn't exactly motivating.
"I can't keep up and I can't back down, I've been losing so much time"
to add to that, it feels like my relationship is going sour. the enthusiasm and excitement I used to see has slowly faded away, and I'm now useless. there's always something occupying time, something that has to be done, right then, right now, no time to maybe even just say "hello". but even when there is time it's either poorly spent or there's constant pressure to end the visit, due to whatever it is that needs to be attented. I'm paranoid and always feel like I'm alone, even when there's someone standing right next to me. like I'm standing in a strangers shoes and nobody recognizes me, I've become the stranger.
"All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you've got my head spinning, I don't know where to go from here"
I miss how things used to be, so care free and happy. when everything seemed like an adventure, and we would always confide in each other, no matter what. I miss it when you used to tell me you loved me all the time. by that I mean in person, not relying on the internet to sooth me. as appose to once in a while on our monthly anniversaries. hearing that was the greatest source of comfort, but now it seems like a chore to even utter out. I want to feel secure again, and not like there's any loose ends hanging. as expected, this is probably a shock, and probably won't even be read, because I don't always say anything cause I think I'm over reacting, which I probably am, but oh well. at least I made a minor attempt.....
"What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive"
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| I hate you |
[30 Aug 2005|09:14pm] |
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 I wanna break skulls! |
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my dog snoring |
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I've officially decided that I hate you, for the following reasons:
you're selfish
you think only about is yourself and never anyone else
you're careless
you expect everyone else to pull your way so life's just a breeze for you
you're apathetic
you never once give any consideration for anyones needs
you're greedy
you take what you want and never give any source of a return or even a fucking thank you
you're evil
you say the cruelest things, and they mean nothing to you
I hope that one day you get your act straight and acutally give a fuck about maybe someone other than yourself. it seems like it's ingraved in your mind that you can treat people so cruely like it's ok. news flash! it's not!
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| vroom vroom vroooooom!!!! |
[21 Aug 2005|12:30am] |
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 content |
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crickets outside my window |
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so I went to this uber cool car show tonight. classics like ferarri, corvette, shelby, charger, elise, belair, mustang, you name it, it was there. and they were fucking awesome!!! I even got the chance to drool over my dream car, corvette sting ray :) fucking bliss I tell you.
so seems like I was having an awesome night, right? so I thought, until I go to take a picture with my digital camera, and what do ya know? my sister took out the fucking batteries (-_-)
yah, I was pissed too....
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| rich snobs |
[14 Aug 2005|08:10pm] |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Landing In London - 3 Doors Down |
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so I went to go work for Chris tonight, it was his daughter Lauren's birthday and I was asked to come and supervise those who wished to ride the horses.... more like the horse. anywho, so I get there, he tells me I'll be working for about 2 hours, no more.... I worked for 3, and still got paid for the amount that I would have gotten for worked 2 hours, yah that sucked. but then he forgot to acutally pay me for tonight, he just wrote me a check for the last night I worked for him and said "see ya!". yah ok, JERK! that pissed me off a tad. he said he'd pay me the next time I do work for him and just add it to that check..... yah, but that's what he said about this time too >:\ now I'm at the point of being annoyed. then to top it off, he let every person there ride the one horse they had available to ride, Bubba. not only does Bubba have had legs, but he's old and out of condition. he was out there with someone on his back the entire time I was working, it was soooo sad. his knees were trembling by the time Chris said "ok, put him up". I've never felt so bad in my life, nor have I ever thought of Chris to be so stupid before. gaaaahhhhh!!!!
yah so, that was my night :-p and tomorrow I start school..... this sucks
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beauty_lyes's journal
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