Here the cry opens up and reveals the word inside, the crack in the porcelain

I'm not gonna beat him up! I just wanna slap him around a little bit

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 17:55:39 GMT

I now officially love bonfires, even when the people aren't that fun. last night Sarah had a bonfire at Carmel Beach in celebration of her birthday the previous day. big 18, woot woot!! and though there was talk of Karac "slapping around" Devlen, and how it's ok for men to tickle other men and still stand by their heterosexual needs, I still had a good time. it was barely cold at all, thw waves were crashing behind us in the distance, and I got to lay on a blanket with Matt next to the fire. after not seeing him for a week for like the 531852 time now, I've begun to truly value my time with him. not that I don't already, I think I just appreciate it more when I get to see him now. I still find it funny that we see each other only about once or twice a week, yet we live only three miles away from each other :-\ strange how that works.

"Jane says, have you seen my wig around? I feel naked without it"

so I went to San Luis Obispo yesterday to go ride Dude and Emma came with me. we got there and had to wait around for Randi to get there, sat on our butts, and observed Happy, which Emma found to be the huuuuugest horse ever. then Randi got there so I went to go get Dude in the turn outs. I started to put on his halter and he was twitching his head, so I just thought he had a fly in his face. walked him up to the barn, and put him in the cross ties. sat there for a second, his head was still twitching, but more violently than before. so in stead of riding, I got to take my horse to the vet :( it wasn't fun. they didn't seem quite positive what was wrong, just that maybe he had pulled something when he was out in the turn outs or something. but still, to drive 2 hours there only to find out you can't ride your horse, you gotta take it to the vet, it quite disappointing, and I was scared.

"Jane says, I've never been in love, I don't know what it is"

so that concludes my lovely day, as of yesterday. now I go do hw and study a bundle. ohhh what fun it shall be :-P

my sincere apologies to Emma and Ms. Basile!

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 18:12:44 GMT

so last night was a doozy. went to the meet with Matt, we took Winston (his dog), hung out there for a while, and then went back to his house. sitting there in boredom, I got the idea to go fill up my car at Stone Creek cause it's cheaper than at Toro, and I was on "E" big time from driving all the way to San Luis Obispo and back earlier that day.... or so my gas gauge said. so we're driving, la la la. we get to the gas station and I go to reach for my purse.... short pause.... I studder for a moment, and Matt says, "you don't have your purse."

"Just call me pimp daddy, I'll roll ya one big fatty"

I've never felt like such an idiot in my life! cause not only did I have no money, neither did he, nor did we have our cell phones on us! I'd left all my things in his car from going to the meet earlier, thinking I would just get them when I left :-p you don't know what it feels like to be completely deserted until you've spent an hour at 7-11 at 11 pm with no where to go. luckly, there was a pay phone!! oh joy, and of course neither of us have even a dime on us, so we got to call people collect..... yay. first I called Emma's house, but nobody was picking up and I figured it was way to late and her parents would have a shit attack getting a collect call from me at 11 at night. so I hung up, and Matt called his mom. within half n hour, she was there and she brought me my purse. never have I known such a wonderful woman! had I called my mother, I'd be grounded right now. thank god Ms. Basile didn't mind, cause she figured she'd just get gas while she was there too, haha.

"Once you enter you can never get out of here, welcome to Hollyweird"

so all in all, I'm an idiot and Ms. Basile is my new hero. surely I will try to nevre make that mistake again, and hopefully I'll never have to call anyone collect again and freak them out like I did Emma :-\ sorry darling! though I must say, playing the alphabet game was quite fun, haha.

"I'm the king of the streets, I own the cops, the junkies and freaks, it's a human wasteland I call home"

Have you ever felt what it means to be truly alone?

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 05:56:18 GMT

today was a long one, oh boy. school was school :-p nothing special. went to KFC with Kristen, Sabrina, and Emily, that was fun indeed. I think I had a total of like 6 test, and or quizzes this week alone! I'm so freakin tired and having tests every fucking day! they should just go away, and never return.

"This is all that I'm asking, cause its the love we're forgetting now"

oh, so I finally got a job, yaaaaaay.... kinda. I'm working for Chris at his car lot doing like filling, answering phones, e-mailing, basically the shit job of the whole place. but none the less, a job. something I need desperately. the only part that sucks is he has me working from right after school at 3, until 6-ish, every day after school!! I'm gonna have no life! not to mention I'm like never going to see Matt :( so yah, I'm bummed.

"To walk through your door, we're content with illusions, and our downhill eyes"

I also wrote this really cool poem in English today about my hampster that died like a fifillion years ago, haha. it pretty much sucks, but I still love it. so, because I'm such a nice person, I'm going to recite it for you all....

"I'll Never Forget You"

I sit here alone
You've left me here to stay
I knew it was true
You always loved me
I believed everything you said.

Now my heart is pounding
With every pule, I feel the pain
Like a thorn piercing in my side
I knew it would never be the same.

I wept for you all day
And all night
Hoping for your ressurect
From the grave I left you
To bring joy back into my life
Consume my piece of mind.

I still hold resentment,
Anger,
For your killer
I will have revenge.

Oh my dear Pumpkin
You were the best hampster ever!
I morn in your memory
I swear I'll never forget you
That damn alley cat.

so now you all have a good idea about my poetic skills ;) yah, I'm pretty good. now I go to bed, so I can get up tomorrow and do the saaaame thing as I did today, well except work. oh joy....

"So find the fakest elation I hope it takes you away, now I've got it all worked out now, just a memory, picture framed illusion"

so the bird cries and the dog wiggles, and here is my day

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 18:38:11 GMT

I've decided I officially suck as......

a friend
a daughter
and a girlfriend

I'm not quite suure whyyyy I suck, I just know I do.

my apologies to all of you I've given a lot of crap to lately. I never meant to offend you in any way.

September 10, 2005-
start attempting to not suck so much :-p

it's the commies!! they're comin after us!!

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 23:50:47 GMT

being sick sucks...... a lot.

why don't you just crash and burn?

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 03:17:51 GMT

grrrrrrrr!!!

damn you livejournal!! for not letting me edit you!!

that or it's just my computer...... :-\

baaah humbug!!!

p.s. I failed to mention that Chris paid me today :) fiiinally

everything has a down fall, some are just more unfortunate than others

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 07:29:09 GMT

things haven't been that easy lately, and ever day I feel them getting worse and worse. I make the little things out to be much larger than they really are, and get so worked up about them I panic. nothing seems to give me comfort, not even confiding in close friends and loved ones. there's something inside of me and it wants out, I just have no clue what it is. months of pain and questioning, and nothing has come of it. I think I've heard the excuse "you're just stressed" enough times to know that's definitely not the case. it's become routine for me to be in a doctor's office at least once a week now, and personally, I find that just a little frightening. I'm scared that it could either be something minor and nothing to worry about, or something major and unrecognizable. four doctors later, and I'm still being questioned.... this isn't exactly motivating.

"I can't keep up and I can't back down, I've been losing so much time"

to add to that, it feels like my relationship is going sour. the enthusiasm and excitement I used to see has slowly faded away, and I'm now useless. there's always something occupying time, something that has to be done, right then, right now, no time to maybe even just say "hello". but even when there is time it's either poorly spent or there's constant pressure to end the visit, due to whatever it is that needs to be attented. I'm paranoid and always feel like I'm alone, even when there's someone standing right next to me. like I'm standing in a strangers shoes and nobody recognizes me, I've become the stranger.

"All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you've got my head spinning, I don't know where to go from here"

I miss how things used to be, so care free and happy. when everything seemed like an adventure, and we would always confide in each other, no matter what. I miss it when you used to tell me you loved me all the time. by that I mean in person, not relying on the internet to sooth me. as appose to once in a while on our monthly anniversaries. hearing that was the greatest source of comfort, but now it seems like a chore to even utter out. I want to feel secure again, and not like there's any loose ends hanging. as expected, this is probably a shock, and probably won't even be read, because I don't always say anything cause I think I'm over reacting, which I probably am, but oh well. at least I made a minor attempt.....

"What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive"

I hate you

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 04:15:04 GMT

I've officially decided that I hate you, for the following reasons:

you're selfish

you think only about is yourself and never anyone else

you're careless

you expect everyone else to pull your way so life's just a breeze for you

you're apathetic

you never once give any consideration for anyones needs

you're greedy

you take what you want and never give any source of a return or even a fucking thank you

you're evil

you say the cruelest things, and they mean nothing to you

I hope that one day you get your act straight and acutally give a fuck about maybe someone other than yourself. it seems like it's ingraved in your mind that you can treat people so cruely like it's ok. news flash! it's not!

vroom vroom vroooooom!!!!

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 07:36:15 GMT

so I went to this uber cool car show tonight. classics like ferarri, corvette, shelby, charger, elise, belair, mustang, you name it, it was there. and they were fucking awesome!!! I even got the chance to drool over my dream car, corvette sting ray :) fucking bliss I tell you.

so seems like I was having an awesome night, right? so I thought, until I go to take a picture with my digital camera, and what do ya know? my sister took out the fucking batteries (-_-)

yah, I was pissed too....

rich snobs

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 03:10:20 GMT

so I went to go work for Chris tonight, it was his daughter Lauren's birthday and I was asked to come and supervise those who wished to ride the horses.... more like the horse. anywho, so I get there, he tells me I'll be working for about 2 hours, no more.... I worked for 3, and still got paid for the amount that I would have gotten for worked 2 hours, yah that sucked. but then he forgot to acutally pay me for tonight, he just wrote me a check for the last night I worked for him and said "see ya!". yah ok, JERK! that pissed me off a tad. he said he'd pay me the next time I do work for him and just add it to that check..... yah, but that's what he said about this time too >:\ now I'm at the point of being annoyed. then to top it off, he let every person there ride the one horse they had available to ride, Bubba. not only does Bubba have had legs, but he's old and out of condition. he was out there with someone on his back the entire time I was working, it was soooo sad. his knees were trembling by the time Chris said "ok, put him up". I've never felt so bad in my life, nor have I ever thought of Chris to be so stupid before. gaaaahhhhh!!!!

yah so, that was my night :-p and tomorrow I start school..... this sucks

where are you now?

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 07:22:20 GMT

I've lost the ability to think straight once again. the words in head are fumbling around like mexican jumping beans on acid. at some point, not too long ago, things started to eventually just slip away, like wet paint running down a fresh new canvas. it seems as if everything managed to go wrong, no matter how small or petty it was, it woudl take the wrong turn. when did consideration for others fail to meet the requirements for friendship? I seriously wonder how people can be so selfish, doesn't it get old after a while? one would think.....

I feel as if I'm loosing everyone with every other step I take, each time piercing a new wound in my heart. some I can do without, but I can't contain myself when the person I feel that I'm about to loose I could never replace. I've never really had to experience pain like this before. other times I'd look at the people around me and wonder why I wasn't grieving the same as them. not one tear or emotion would break from me. and now I say this as every tear and every emotion kept locked up inside spills out, for you.

memories haunting me like shadows in the night, and I can't dismiss them. I don't remember much, but from what I do remember, they were the best. playing in a fountain with animal like sculptures spitting out water upon my fine hair, and looking at you, filled with excitement and joy. you were so enthused with your words, you made me feel like I was the only one in the room. I need to see this side of you again. I want that moment to be one listed as the best of all, for it may be my last I see to remember.

I'm more than scared, I'm terrified. I can't handle the thought, of an ending. I want to hear you laugh on more time.....

dude, weren't you supposed to go to the bathroom?! like an hour ago!!

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 17:37:22 GMT

*Maren's Delightfully Random Survey*
What is your name?	Hope
Any embarrassing nicknames?	no, but I do have a lot
What is your favorite kind of cheese?	pepper jack
Describe your perfect date:	not sure, but I would like for it to involve looking up at the stars at some point
Starbucks drink of choice:	white chocolate mochaaaaa
Have you ever heard of forking? (It is in no way related to spooning.)	I agree with Emma, if it has nothing to do with spooning, don't care
Best TV show:	family guy, homemovie (ever though they don't play it anymore >: \|), friends, home improvement, and american chopper (cause the dad cracks me up with his huge mustache)
Ok, so is Star Trek The Next Generation the COOLEST or what?	........ wait, were you asking me about STAR TREK?! ehhh :\
The craziest thing you have ever done:	gone on a scavenger hunt, through the entire city of Reno :) good times
Does it matter that the food at Olive Garden isn't "authentic" Italian food?	no, it's still fuckin good!!
Have you ever had a McDonalds "fruit buzz"?	negatory!
The HOTTEST thing about you:	um.... um.... :-\ how the hell would I know?!
Isn't college going to be AWESOME? (or is it already awesome?)	I sure as hell hope so
Weirdest food combination that is strangely delicious:	again, agreeing with Emma, french fries and a chocolate shake :p
Cats or dogs:	doggies!!!! and Matt's fat cats
Why is it better to be a girl?	cause we be cooool like that yo
Just to be fair, I'll add this one: Why is it better to be a boy?	........
Did you know that camels can see through their eyelids, a helpful adaptation when caught in a sand storm?	lovely! I'll remember that next time I'm on Jeopardy
Your favorite flavor of ice cream:	mint chocolate chip
What is the best baked item? (You know, lemon bars, croissants, etc.)	doughnut, muffins, and croissants
Girls, what is the biggest turn off in a guy?	arrogance
Guys, what is the biggest turn off in a girl?	.........
Biggest turn on (for either guys or girls):	intelligence, good sense of humor, eyes
What is your favorite kind of fruit?	just about anything
Verizon or Cingular:	cingular
When was the last time you went shopping?	yesterday?
Skinnydipping: A "no" or a "go"?	GO GO GO!!!
It's okay to not shower every day, right?	if you're not going anywhere that day and nobody's gonna be seeing your stinky ass, hell why not
Which is better: being single or dating someone?	dating someone
Which are more enjoyable: fortune cookies or Dove Promises?	I'll go with the Dove Promises, cause the word Dove processes in my mind as chocolate..... really really gooood chocolate :)
Is randomness delightful or just annoying?	marvelous!!!!
What is the geekiest thing about you?	I dunno, Matt what is the geekiest thing about me? oh yah, probably that I manage to hit my head on just about everything, and I tend to mix up words and put them together when I'm talking, that and I'm quite clumsy
Milk, dark, or white chocolate (even though white chocolate isn't REAL chocolate):	milk or white chocolate
What is one thing that you dislike about your personality:	I judge myself too much
Do you use a fork and a spoon when eating spaghetti?	no, juuuust a fork
Did you know that you should wash a watermellon before you cut into it?	sure, why not
Handholding: good or bad? (Obviously I'm talking about holding hands with someone you LIKE.)	good good good
Is your room messy or clean?	semi-messy, semi-clean
What kind of deoterant do you prefer? (i.e. soft solid, sheer, spray, etc.)	um, deoterant?
What is the most disgusting thing in the WORLD?	your mom's face last night in bed with Prince Charles!! EEEWWW!!!
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

who came first, the chicken? or the egg?

Sun, 15 May 2005 19:52:46 GMT

so I've noticed I neeeever update this thing anymore, my sincere apologies. not a lot had been happening lately. school's almost over, yessssss, and I'm still searching for a horse :p kinda sucks.

there's a question I've been pondering for the past few days and I can't seem to come up with an answer. the olf age question.... what came first? the chicken? or the egg? I'm getting confused because eggs have been in existance before man was even alive. but the chicken is what makes their egg, so therefore it would have come first. so I guess what needs to be classified is, are you talking about the evolution of eggs, or the egg alone that a chicken produced? so if the egg that the chicken produced is the factor, then the chicken came first, no doubt. but if the question is suggesting the evolution of the egg and the chicken as to whom came first, the chicken or the egg? the egg would have come first, because eggs have been in existance since ancient dino times. chicken eventually evolved from ancient dino birdies, who already made eggs (or so I would assume) and simply just came to be the chicken. I think I just answered my question.... :\ ok, that was fun.

I see your fortune, fading...

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 02:48:58 GMT

I did it, yes! one point for me!! I seriously didn't think I was gonna work up the nerve to say it, but eventually I managed to process the words to say it. I don't know why I was so nervous though. I worked up a sweat just thinking about it I was so nervous. I guess it was due to the fear of rejection or fear of disapproval. but then I blurted it out as fast as I could and I fuckin cried like a baby.

"Mainline the deepest secrets, Lick clean the dirty fingers"

how I would love to find an island and put everyone I have good reasoning to hate on it. then again, I bet a lot of people are wishing for the same. would anyone like to start a savings bond with me called the "Abandonment Resources"? ehh, it's worth a shot.

"I am a stranger to you as you are to yourself, And it's about time, It's about fear"

I still feel a weight of guilt on my shoulders for not saying anything until now. in a way I've taken my fear out on you for something you weren't even aware of. and I give my apologies for that, I should have said something earlier. but now there's nothing to tell and no worries. I'm an open book and you know every word about me.

"Take me inside your body, Cover me with your soul, To the darkest recess, Is where I wish to go"

drip your sweet poison on my lips and I will love

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 10:27:18 GMT

I have found the perfect remedy for being stress/tired/aggitated/and just over all bored off your arse. all you need is some sushi, green tea, a cute little puppy with missing hair, and Red Hot Chili Peppers. amazing I know, but it works! though I still have quite a load on my shoulders, I think it's the seaweed in the sushi that makes it feel oh so light. try this and get back to me, I'm curious as to see if this works for others. but of course, if you can't manage to get any sushi, or green tea, or can't find a cute little puppy with missing hair, or you're just not privileged enough to have a Red Hot Chili Peppers cd, it's ok! I'll lend you mine :)

"The angels in my dreams, have turned to demons of greed, that’s me"

life right now, is good. I really can't complain. sure there's always the little things like having to go to a school I hate, annoying people, and never being aloud out at night later than 10:30 pm. but other than that, I can't really think of anything that sticks to my attention that I could label "Horrbible Thing In Hope's Life." though there is one thing that I've found myself pondering an immense amount lately. my ability to trust people. I seriously don't think I could fully trust someone if my life depended on it, and it kills me. there's those I love with all my heart, I would do anything for them, yet I still fear that they'll betray me somehow. I'm starting to find this more and more irritating and unhealthy. solution, I haven't the faintest idea.

"I’m on a rollercoaster, but I’m on my feet. Take me to the river, let me on your shore. I be coming back baby, I be coming back for more."

so now I lay me down to sleep. three days and I'm off to Reno, yay! and in four days, I'm coming back to Cali for the Taste Of Chaos concert, yay! and then back to Reno for two more days and then back home once again :p I'm sooo pumped to go, though it shall be different this time around. ohh well, hope for the best.

"Like an apple gift but I went out and never said my pleasures,
I’m much better but I won’t regret it never"

I'll know my hero when the sun burns out

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 07:22:16 GMT

ready for a night of excitment and thrill, and what do I get? one of my closest companions turning away any respect I ever thought they had for me, or that I had for them. I feel like I'm overacting, according to a few. and then there's others who agree, so I'm sticking to it. I just hope nothing like it happens again, or it won't be a pretty sight.

I feel lost without you

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 05:22:29 GMT

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you

I miss my love! my darling! my one and only!!! I know I'm totally over exaggerating, but I don't care lol. I just want my love to get home safely and off that stinkin plane!!! grrrrr.

listening to your soft piano, I close my eyes in appease

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 06:58:32 GMT

I know it's been a while since I wrote in this thing, but maybe that's why I feel so frustrated. having not written my thoughts out in words for me to see, I just keep it to myself knowing people don't want nor need to hear it. isn't it the truth? unless it has something benefitial to them, half the time people could care less to hear about somebody elses problems. all they care about is their needs and their wants, never anybody elses. sad thing is, there are people who put others before them, there's just not enough of them.

"You'll never see the courage I know, its colors' richness won't appear within your view, I'll never glow - the way that you glow, your presence dominates the judgements made on you"

it doesn't seem like people really care anymore. I'm kind of losing hope in those close to me, thinking if I give them yet another chance, that they might give maybe some kind of curtious gesture towards me or even someone else. sad thing is it hasn't happened yet and one only knows how long I've been waiting for the day to come. I'm not suggesting I'm more mature than others, if anything I have a lot more growing up to do before I'm ready to step out on my own. but its clear that a good majority of people need to grow up. yah, high school's a ball, but is the elementary school drama really necessary? no, everyone just makes it out to be so cliche that it's almost expected. and sadly, it's always met up to its ever day expectation. this is when you start to see the true side of people, their inner self that they cover up with a mask to manipulate their appearance from their viewers. that way, they can come off as your ordinary "hi, how you doing" kind of person and get away with it. only thing is, this isn't something you want in a friend.

"You'll say you understand, but you don't understand, you'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye"

nobody understands why we give ourselves to those who aren't appreciative of anything, but we do it anyways. you feel fufilled when you know you just made someones day. maybe it's not always for the right reasons, but knowing that you've helped them in some way is totally rewarding. I'm lost in the trance that if you do good deeds for others, you'll have good fortunes in the future or in some way it'll all pay off. but lately I'm starting to doubt there's any truth to that. instead I see people being used for this act of generosity, and then soonly after, they grow bitter and resentful. this when I just want to throw in the towel and go watch a sappy love movie to comfort myself.

"I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am, you'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry"

I don't want to spend the rest of my time that I have at home as a waist, nor do I want to regret what I do with my time or the people I spent it with. I have about... 18 months? left at home before I go leave for college. it may seem like a long time to wait, but I'm sure the time will pass me faster than I would ever imagine. they say you keep your friends from freshmen year in high school until you're a senior, but I have a feeling I'll be proving a few people wrong on that one sooner than I'd like.

"But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie"

I see you walking towards me, is it time?

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 07:20:31 GMT

so it's been a tid bit since I've updated you all on wats new and happenin. lets see, not too long ago I turned 17 on Dec. 30th. yep, that was cool. went to the city with my mom and shopped, pigged out on expensive food that I'll probably never have the chance to afford again, kicked back at the St. Francis hotel, and walked around the streets of San Francisco at one in the morning. I'm totally in love with the city, I'd live there in a heart beat. it's so beautiful, the buildings are like art, and the people there show every style, emotion, race, purpose, and form of life possibly known to man. I was captivated by it's bright vibrant environment in ways I could never explain. I'm destined to be in the city, I felt like I was meant to be there.

"It's destiny, Pure lunacy, Incalculable, Insufferable"

though the whole time I was in the city, I couldn't get the idea of regret off my mind. it swelled my brain up so much I couldn't even focus on where the hell I was going. so many thoughts and emotions were spinning around in my head I didn't know wat to think anymore. "do I need to go this way to get to The Gap or that way? did I really mean wat I said the other night? damn I wish there was a cafe on this block. I hope everything's ok, he still hasn't called. I wonder if he'll even bother..." I felt sick with myself. why was I denying my true feelings? there was no reason, but yet I couldn't control it until I had to lay down to jus clear my mind. never have I ever felt so many mixed emotions. I was in my paradise yet I was living in my own hell. one in the morning and I decide it's time to take a walk, jus to think and observe the night life in it's glory. best damn walk I've ever taken.

"Protected and the lover of, A pure soul and beautiful you"

in less than a week I'll be all prepped up in some little tight dress and stiletto heals too painful to bear. some might find this a waist of time, but I couldn't be more excited to get all dolled up for a night and go to Winter Ball. it's a rare occassion that I get completely dressed up, and this is going to be the first time that I'm going all out. hair, makeup, nails, limo, dinner, everything. not to mention it's my first formal, so automatically I'm excited to see wat it's like to try and stay looking perfect all night long, wonder how in the hell my hair is gonna stay up, and dancing in stilettos without breaking a ankle. ohh I can only imagine. Sam's been such a great guy, waiting on me jus to even find out if I can go and then wearing a pink shirt jus to match me. damn did I get lucky wen I asked him before anyone else did. now if only Stephi, Heather, and Kat can find dates, then everything would be perfect!

"Your home is here, Within my heart, And for the first time, I feel as though I am reborn, In my mind, Recast as child and mystic sage"

first day back at school and I'm exhausted. went to matt's and nearly fell asleep on his bed. not many people go over to their boyfriend's house to take a nap... waaaiiit a minute, haha sorry, forgot about you Heather lol. but other than that, not much of a homework load yet, thank god. I'm stressing over my semester grades like crazy. I know I got three B's and two A's, but there's still two classes I don't know about and one is my big big worry, english. ohh well, Mrs. O'Connell is grading our tests on a curve so hopefully I'll pass with something some wat presentable to my parents. I think I'll do ok, it's jus the pressure of colleges scrutinizing these final grades. ohh well, watever happens I'll probably still manage to live another week until winter ball, or so one would hope.

"In my time, I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind, You're mine forever now"

I'm shaking to the rhythm

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 08:30:03 GMT

I jus wrote out probably the longest entry I've ever written in this thing... but of course I lost it due to my piece of shit computer. maybe that says something about some people shouldn't read it. watever, I'm over it, I don't wanna think about anything anymore...

just pick up and go, I'm of no use to you anymore

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 22:42:20 GMT

the past few weeks have been soooo hectic! ahhh! not only have I been sick off and on for about 2-3 weeks now, which in the act caused me to miss a week of school. took my over a week to get all my work made up from that and then today I jus finished 5 grueling finals over a 3 day period that I'm praying to God that I passed. and to top it all off, my dad says I'm not going to a 4 year school (-_-) not going to a 4 year school my ass! he wants me to go to MPC (monterey penninsula jr. college for those of you who don't know) and theeeen THINK about going to a 4 year school. he says he can't afford it, but the funny thing is, he doesn't have to! I have a trust fund from my great grandfather for college with well over enough money to pay for 4 years of school. it's such crap, he doesn't think I'll be mature enough to leave home either, yet he let my sister move to South Africa at the age of 17 and she's got the maturity level of a 10 year old.

"The mark was left, man it's never the same"

yay! finals are oooover! two n' half weeks where I can do watever the hell I want and not worry about school work, yesssss! I'm hella stoked too, as of tomorrow my birthday is one week away and I get to go to San Francisco and stay at some big pretty hotel. my mother said I can literately "shop til I drop" but only with my own money. but that's ok, I should be gettin christmas money and birthday money before then so I should be set.

"Next time that you shoot, make sure that you aim"

I'm bummed I won't get to see Jane and Mario over my break :( Jane's in Minnesota to see Chance and her trainer all this week until friday, and then goes back again right after christmas. it sucks cuz not only do I not get to see some of my favorite people in world, I don't get to be there wen they open up their christmas gifts from me. I'll have to send them by mail jus hope they like it. damn, I really wanted to see the expression on their faces as they opened them up, especially Mario's.

"Open windows with passing cars, a brand new night, with the same old stars"

as for everything else, there's not a lot goin on. sure there's some people who are being complete jackasses and I wanna pound them for being such selfish dipshits, but ohh well. jus a word of advise, we can't all get what we want. so get over it!

for a friend in need

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 07:20:19 GMT

It’s Too Soon

The sun rose this morning
With a sullen tear on it’s ray
Anticipating the day ahead
You slip out the door
To await your fate

These walls are blinding me
They scream the words
Of this scornful news
As you walk down the aisle
Taunting you

Life is pure
It’s sweeter than sin
You fall to the floor
Your limbs feel but weak
These predictions are not your fate
But what will become
Our dismay

It’s begun
You can’t escape
The time is drawing near
The days will shed away
Faster than they ought to be

I can’t see your face
You feel so far away
Where are you going?
I wanted to know you
Why can’t this wait?

I cry for you these tears
Though not tears of loss
But tears of hope
In prayer
That you’ll make it through
So you can see the sun again

But now you’re fading
I feel it in my heart
I’m sorry we weren’t closer
And I want you to know
I’m here for you
Even when things are
Growing dark

Oh dear God say it isn’t so
He doesn’t deserve this
This can’t be real
His heart still beats
It’s too soon
It’s too soon

be careful wat you say, be careful who you love

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 07:54:53 GMT

Is it so hard to believe our hearts
Are made to be broken by love
That in constant dying lies
The beauty of it all
My darling won't you feel
The sweet heaven in
Our endless cry

Oh at least you could trust
For this one last time

So amazed how bright are the flames
We are burning in
Ever smiled at the tragedies
We hold inside
My darling won't you cherish
The fear of life that keeps
You and me so alive

Oh at least you could trust
For this one last time
It could be alright
For this one last time

Oh at least you could trust
...and we just will be closer...
For this one last time
...let me fall into your arms...
It could be alright
...don't let us grow colder...
For this one last time
...let me close to your heart...

Oh at least you could trust
...and before it's over...
For this one last time
...let me fall into your arms...
It could be alright
...before it's all over...
For this one last time
...let me close to your heart...

rearrange my room and my dreams

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 02:28:08 GMT

I was bumbarded with unpleasant news as of today wen I arrived home from school. so it seems to be, my horse has some "nasty habits" that my trainer, Bob, thinks may not be fully capable of controling him and that he put me in danger possibly :| it seems to be that everyone who doesn't know me thinks I'm jus some kid who wants to go ride the horsey around and wat have you. I haven't worked my ass off for years to get this kind of respect or falsely assumed reputation. so now everyone's talking about how I should sell my horse and look for another. hmm, haven't we already done this before?! I thought this was the horse we bought to replace the psycho one I had before! guess not :) I've been privileged yet again with a horse my trainer doesn't wanna deal with, so let's sell it!! ugh, if only I could fly down to AZ right now. maybe then I could prove to them, hey, I CAN ride, watch me douche bags!!

"Will you still hold me when you see what I have done? Will you still kiss me the same, when you taste my victim's blood?"

the past few weeks have kinda sucked. been sick with some crappy flu bug for about two weeks now and missed a week of school. though the time off was nice, I accomplished nothing except eat nothing and watch every episode of Laguna Beach. now I have like ten test and quizzes to make up by friday or I'm dead, along with extra homework. geebus, I don't see this week going anywhere splendid.

"Without them reflecting their jet black auras back on you"

give it to me all night!!!

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 07:15:38 GMT

Would anyone want to bang you? by phobia
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wow, life is good! lol